Ah, it’s that time of year again! The time of year where I get that little bit older and start lamenting about the rapid passage of time! I’ve said it plenty of times before, but nothing feels like a milestone quite like a birthday, and this years has been extra poignant with it falling just a couple of days before Bailey hit 6 months. It seems crazy to think that 12 months ago I was sat on a tropical island, 10 weeks pregnant, without a clue what life was going to look like today – and now here we are. So much has happened in that time. A whole pregnancy. Finishing work. Birth. Getting to grips with becoming a parent – basically my life is unrecognisable. And while it’s been extremely tough and the most anxiety inducing thing I’ve ever experienced, I can safely say I am the happiest I’ve ever been, and that is something I’m not sure I’ll ever get used to saying.
It’s a double edged sword though, this state of happiness. For someone that has spent such a long time wondering when life is going to begin, now that it has I can’t help but wonder when it’s all going to come crashing down. I can be having the loveliest day with Dan and our little boy, thinking about how wonderful life is, but at the back of my mind there is always a nagging feeling. What if someone takes it all away? Having a child only seems to have increased that sense of panic since he seems to grow and change with every passing minute! But it has also taught me to relax more. To stand still for a moment and take stock, to really allow myself to enjoy life, and there is so much to enjoy about life right now. Our home is almost complete after a couple of years of renovations and projects, and I LOVE it! Our little boy just gets cuter and funnier everyday and I thank my lucky stars daily that I get to be his mummy. And this just might be the year I become a wife to someone I truly believe loves me just as deeply as I love him, and I really cannot wait.
My age still brings me worries, of course. I worry that we may not be able to give Bailey a brother or sister. I worry about being an ‘old’ parent. I worry about what would happen to him if our health suffers or he loses one of us unexpectedly. But it’s a lot more gentle a worry. I no longer feel that awful sense of hurtling towards a cliff edge, and I sleep a heck of a lot better at night now (when Bailey lets me!) A strange sense of calm is now within me, because if this is all I get, then that’s ok. If all I get is a wonderful husband and a beautiful son then so be it, I have so much more now than I dreamed I would and I couldn’t NOT be satisfied with my lot. I still don’t know what the next 12 months will hold, but now that I have my two partners in crime along for the ride, I feel like I can handle all that life has to throw at me, and that’s a wonderful feeling.
So bring it on, life! For a change, my birthdays don’t feel like something I need to fear anymore!