Wood, Way Back – The Teen Years

Oh God. I can’t quite believe I’m doing this.

I mean, you’d think perhaps I might feel like anybody reading this amusing little attempt at a blog at all was humiliation enough for me, but no. I already went one further and posted this post, a little look back on the beginnings of my style journey, complete with a myriad of pictures of me all brown corduroy and pudding bowl haircutted-up. But still, it’s not enough. I want MORE EMBARRASSMENT PLEASE! It seems I actually like the crushing anxiety of publishing horrifically bad photos of what I used to call ‘fashion’ back in my less savvy days, because here I am again, this time with photographs from the most ill-advised fashion days of all – the teen years. Well, I did promise…

Before we get started, you need to bear a couple of things in mind, the main one being that this is just a taste of how bad things were back then. Seriously, you probably think I’m being melodramatic, but just thank your lucky stars we didn’t have iPhones or DSLR cameras back then. All we have left now are some terribly lit, super blurry photos (yes, real live photographs, like, paper ones and everything!) that thankfully only display a tiny little portion of what was the horror of 90s style. Honestly, these don’t even scratch the surface. I also seem to be blessed in that it seems I was more often the photographer than the model when such pictures were taken, and in the majority I’m actually in I seem to be enthusiastically hugging someone, which means to spare the blushes of said people, those ones will never see the light of day – it’s just myself I like to torture endlessly, you see. You do have the pleasure of seeing this lovely lot though, so lets get started! (Oh god oh god oh god oh god…..)

Let’s ease us in with a sweet, candid shot of me and my beloved kitty Tilly (who looks THRILLED to be embraced by moi), god rest her soul, where I’m aptly demonstrating that in the 90s, you really couldn’t beat a chunky chenille jumper. Especially if it had a contrasting stripe across the bust. I mean it too, we wore these bad boys to aaaaaall occasions:

There was no such occasion as one where a chunky, baggy jumper wasn’t appropriate. With jeans on a casual shopping trip? Yes. With cut off shorts, tights and Doc Martins down the pub? Yes. Over a pretty, floaty, feminine skirt? HELLS YES. We were not ruled by the constraints of fashion rules, man.

Oh, by the way, this also applied to hoodies:

Classy.

Now, how about this one? This isn’t too bad, right? Pearly lipstick and silver eyeshadow aside, this one looks kinda smart. I mean, it was definitely made of some god awful stretchy fabric and I’m pretty sure that white pattern was not only came off in the wash, but was glittery (of course it was glittery, it was the 90s) but other than that, it looks like a pretty acceptable ensemble:

Oh, wait. Is it see through at the back? Why yes, of course it is, because WHY WOULDN’T IT BE? Everybody wants to see the back of your bra, obvs. You know, the most attractive part.

Now, speaking of glitter, check out this beauty:

Admittedly, you can’t really see just how glittery this delightfully gaudy leopard print top is, but trust me, it was glittery. The kind of glittery that makes your whole body glittery. And the rest of your family’s bodies after you put it in the wash. That isn’t quite enough glitter though, is it, so f*** it, lets throw on a holographic belt too. You are also lucky enough to see some 90s hair and beauty at it’s best here. Hands up who misses freshly plaited waves (before we discovered Frizz Ease of course…) butterfly clips and turquoise eyeliner? And yes, you are right, that IS Rimmel Heather Shimmer on my lips, thank you very much….

That belt and skirt must have been a favourite, because here they are again:

I’m dying inside right now. It’s going to get even worse when I tell you I made that top myself. I wish I was joking. Still, once again, AWESOME hair, I think you’ll agree….(!)

Sticking to the hair theme, can we just take a moment to remember our favourite 90s fashion icon, the one and only Jennifer Aniston:

 

No wait you guys, THAT’S ME!! Uncanny, no?? I certainly thought so…

Holy crap:

Let’s just skip past that. I can’t even.

Ok, so this isn’t so bad I guess:

I sure wish I had that stomach again. The belly chain and the visible thong – not so much….

Here is something far classier:

I saved up for about a month for this Bay Trading denim shirt dress, and I thought I was a right sophisticated biatch. Because of the trainers and hoodie, obvs. I only wish you could see the little blue Lonsdale bowling bag that was my pride and joy. I carried that thing around with me everywhere. Well, until I upgraded to a denim FCUK handbag, anyway…

Talking of class:

Yeah. Feather boas were an everyday accessory in the 90s. Just let that sink in for a moment. Not pictured: my totally funky Spice Girl style platform trainers. Yes really.

Now I think we would all agree that up until this point it was pretty obvious that I was a girly girl. That didn’t stop me dipping my toes in sporty chic though:

What’s with the thumbs (complete with thumb ring) down Steph? You surely can’t mean you don’t think this is a good look?? And if you assumed the bottom half was just as sporty…:

Nope. Bootcut jeans and chunky heels, because that was how we did it back then.

Finally, this one has to be my favourite. This was a phase I tenderly remember as the ‘Matchy-Matchy’ phase:

Yep, I matched my shoes to my top to my belt to my earrings to my bangles to my eyeshadow to my bag, because I was COOL. What made me even cooler was that I stood next to my sister all night, who looked exactly the same but in hot pink. We could have been a girl band – quite literally, because having musical ability didn’t really seem to matter in those days and we also knew all the steps to, erm, Steps, so natch. Please can we just take a moment to appreciate those magnificent River Island kitten heels, because I think they might possibly have spawned my love of shoes!

And, yes. I was indeed doing the Macarena….

And now you know why I can’t do the 90s revival thing… I’m going to go and crawl under a rock and die now. Hope you enjoyed watching my credibility self combust!

Love,

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