It seems completely unfathomable to me that I’m here writing this annual letter to you already. It feels like just yesterday that I was rushing around in a mad panic trying to organise your 2nd Birthday, heavily pregnant with your twin brothers and terrified they might arrive early and steal your thunder! I was struggling so much with my emotions back then. Struggling to comprehend that my tiny baby, my firstborn, was already two. Struggling to accept that the wonderful world we had lovingly created, with you at the centre, was about to be blown apart. Struggling to imagine just what life would look like with three of you to love and cherish. Yet somehow here we are already, a whole 12 months later. The twins are here and we’ve all adjusted and I’m once again dashing around trying to make sure your special day is just perfect.
People often tell me not to stress myself out so much, that you wont remember these early birthdays. But I will remember them, Bailey, and all I want is to see that joy on your face when you see the rally car cake you asked for, the balloons you love so much, the Bluey caravan you’ve been dropping not so subtle hints about for months. But it isn’t all about presents. I just want to see you happy. To see you laughing and dancing with your friends and cousins, playing with carefree abandon, absolutely loving life in the way only a three year old can. I want you to revel in being the centre of attention, to have a day that is purely and totally just about you. Perhaps it’s because I still, even after 10 months of living as a family of 5, feel full of guilt about shattering the world as you knew it. It’s DEFINITELY in part because I feel full of guilt about how little time we get to spend together these days, with me having to divide my attention three ways instead of lavishing it all on you. But mostly it’s because I just think you deserve it. You deserve to feel special, Bailey, because you are such a special boy. You are so, so loved, and you deserve to feel it every day, but on your birthday most of all. Because that’s the day you burst into our lives and brought with you a light I needed to feel so much. So every year on this special day, I want to do everything I can to make you feel that love, to thank you for making me your Mummy.
It’s been a tough year, for both of us. I can’t even begin to imagine what a shock it must have been to you to have two new siblings come hurtling into your life both at the same time! We’d tried our hardest to help prepare you, but as much as you knew what babies were and knew there were two living in my tummy, you were just too little to really understand what that meant, what an impact it would have on your happy little life. It must have been so confusing for you when I suddenly disappeared for three whole days – the longest we’ve ever been apart – only for me to reappear with two more babies in tow! All the babies you’d met before always left after a while, but these two were here to stay and that meant big changes for you. Suddenly your Mummy and Daddy were busy all the time. They were tired and grumpy. Instead of fun days out and adventures in the woods and play dates in the park, we were stuck inside for what felt like forever while I endured an endless cycle of feeding and settling. Life wasn’t quite so fun any more, and it felt like every time you asked for me I was busy. I know it was hard, Bailey, it was hard for me too. But I’ve never been more proud of you. Of course there were times when your feelings were too big for you to handle, as were mine, and it took you a while to warm up to your sweet little brothers. But your Dad and I are in awe of how well you’ve handled it and adapted to a whole new way of life. And I want you to know that every second I was away from you, or unable to cuddle you, play with you, bath you or do bedtime, I was always thinking about you. I missed you more than I could ever explain, and it broke my heart every time I heard you call for me in the night and had to let your Dad respond instead. It felt unnatural, not being available to you at all times, and it’s the thing that made me cry the most through the hard times. I’m so thankful things are more settled now and we’re getting to spend a bit more time together, just me and you. I’ve missed those moments so much.
It was a big change for me too, learning how to let go of you a little. Learning how to juggle all three of you and accept that some days are just about surviving. And we’re getting there, slowly but surely. Everyday with three under three brings us a new challenge, but everyday we’re learning too, how to be a little more prepared, a little more patient, a little bit more forgiving. Little by little we’re starting to see small glimmers of the life we used to have, and I’m able to start really enjoying all of my sweet children. Your brothers think you’re the absolute best and want to be just like you, and I just know you are going to set a wonderful example. Your Dad and I often say that we just can’t believe how lucky we are to have three such beautiful boys, and I can’t wait to watch you all grow together.
So here’s to three, baby bear! I can’t wait to see what adventures it has in store for us. And I’ll be there to hold your hand through all it’s twists and turns. Because even though you grow bigger and stronger everyday, and even though you aren’t the littlest anymore, you will ALWAYS be our baby. Always.
Have the happiest of birthdays my darling, I can’t think of anyone who deserves it more.
All my love,