When Instagram first launched, I really loved it. Actually, that isn’t quite true – when Instagram first launched I didn’t have a clue what it was because I’m old now and can’t quite make myself care about what the hottest new social media platform is. I still don’t use Twitter – I just don’t understand it to be honest – and have no idea how Snapchat works either. But when a friend dragged me into the 21st Century and made me join, I was hooked. See, I was an early adopter of Facebook. I’d loved the way it helped me to keep in touch with friends no longer in the same city and reconnect with long lost friends from school and old jobs. But in the last few years I’ve become a little weary of the never ending memes, endless attempts to sell me stuff and hideous strings of comments made on posts, telling my loved ones they are terrible parents because they haven’t adopted the co-sleeping technique, shaming them for eating a certain way or telling them they’re morons for voting for a specific political party. Honestly? I’m only on there to see pictures of your kids, your pets and what you had for dinner last night. Yes, the stuff everyone else declares boring!
So Instagram was a breath of fresh air for me – all of the pretty, cute or heartwarming pictures with none of the ranting or rudeness. Well – for a while at least. Of course as is the nature of all things, three years into using it things don’t still have quite such a rosy glow. There are fake likes and followers, an algorithm I don’t really understand and ‘rules’ about what your feed should look like. I literally just read a blog post that said Instagram now has too many “meh feeds filled with dog selfies and OOTD shots” and for a moment got all paranoid that he was actually talking about me specifically (which I later realised was stupid, because of course he can’t be talking about me, because mine also features lots of gin and tonic photos, so I’m totes different…). It’s all a bit much for this dinosaur to grasp to be honest so I’m just cracking on as normal, using my social media to be, well, social, and not really worrying too much about it. I do find myself frequently baffled by it though – here are just a few examples of the odd things that cross my mind while scrolling through my feed….
Everyone else’s ‘best nines’ are beautifully coordinated shots of the best moments of 2017. Why is mine all alcohol?? I’m genuinely concerned that, apparently, any time I drank booze in 2017 it was the most interesting part of my year. Is this normal? Am I an alcoholic?? Or am I just really good at taking pictures of drinks? Maybe my followers are actually the alcoholics?? But then they do say you are what you hang with. Oh dear… **starts Googling ‘How do I know if I’m an alcoholic?**
Do Instagrammers actually eat?? There are an awful lot of beautiful pictures of brunch on Instagram. So beautiful, in fact, that I’m kind of suspicious. I mean, have you tried taking completely flat photos of your food? It’s actually quite hard. Unless you’re willing to stand on the table, of course, but I think that’s normally considered a bit rude in public. I’m pretty sure 90% of those brunches were cold by the time anyone tried to eat them, if anyone ate them at all…
Should my crockery match my bedding? Because my crockery does not match my bedding. I’m pretty sure this makes my ‘Oh, I always wake up looking like this, lounging in bed with a latte and some fancy magazines’ photos completely inadequate. Note to self. Buy new crockery. And new bedding.
See, Winter dressing isn’t so hard…They’re all doing it… For some reason I am incapable of dressing myself properly in the Winter. Everything I try just looks frumpy and drab. Yet Instagram is full of pretty young things frolicking in the snow and looking AH-MAY-ZING. But….
…Aren’t they cold?? I literally think this about 9 out of 10 of the girls posting outfit photos, regardless of the season. Where are their coats, dammit, and why do they always have naked ankles?? (Yes, I know they probably didn’t actually go out like that, but still…)
I could so pull off (enter latest trend here) I am always looking at Insta girls and thinking, ‘That looks awesome. I’m gonna buy that’ Which I guess is why it’s become such a powerful tool for marketers. Those effortless OOTD shots regularly have me searching Shopstyle UK for similar items. And then I remember I’m not actually cool. Or 20 years old. Oh…
God, my lattes are just so pedestrian! Because my lattes are just lattes, and aren’t pink or sparkly or infused with unicorn tears or whatever we’re supposed to be drinking these days. I don’t even feel the need to photograph them normally. Which begs the question – did they even exist in the first place if they never appeared in anyone’s feed? Shit’s getting deep now guys…
WHY DON’T I OWN A PINK, VELVET, PLEATED SKIRT?? No, seriously – I don’t understand how I allowed this to happen?
How many hashtags is appropropriate anyway? This gives me genuine anxiety. I honestly don’t know? If you put too many, do you look desperate? And if you don’t put enough, do you look like an amateur? Is all of the Internet laughing at my completely incompetent hashtaggery? What if you can’t even think of one – are you still allowed to post or is it against Insta-law to post sans-hashtag? Are there classes you can take? (Don’t answer that, because I’m pretty sure there probably are, which is mind boggling to me…)
I really want to ‘gram my new shoes, but they’re the wrong colour for my theme… LOLZ!! Just kidding guys. I really could not give less of a crap…!
I think I’m just doing it all wrong. Any Insta-induced madness you’d like to own up?
P.S – I also regularly think ‘Cute dog, but mines cuter…‘ but I didn’t include that because it isn’t odd, it’s just fact…!