Drinking: It’s not big and it’s not clever! At least that’s what my friend’s Mum told me when we rolled in from the ‘cinema’ age 15, about 20 minutes after curfew. I have to disagree though – drinking definitely makes you clever! Maybe you’re all different, but me personally? I make some epic decisions while under the influence.
Anyone who has ever gone through a bad relationship will know you can waste months wondering how to work things out, only to find that the answer becomes suddenly clear after a round of tequila slammers – “OMG I’LL JUST PHONE HIM NOW!!!” Genius. Probably not the solution you expected, but hey, when that relationship miraculously ended, so did the problem! And that girl from work that you really don’t like, so it’s always a bit awkward when she turns up on a night out? Once you’ve sunk a bottle and a half of wine you’ll find it becomes super easy to fix this problem – sod it, just tell her. Well, she seems to be steering clear of you now, doesn’t she? Problem solved.
Case in point: the other weekend, otherwise known as “That time we went out on a sunny Sunday for lunch, forgot to eat lunch (or dinner) and got smashed on cocktails. On a school night.”
A good friend and I had decided to have a catch up having both had a bit of a rotten time lately. The plan was to have a nice spot of lunch and a moan over a bottle of wine before heading home at a reasonable hour to get prepped for another week at work. That would have been far too sensible though. Thankfully, we had the sense to consume our body weight in Aperol Spritzers, so our thought processes became far more logical:
Problem 1: Dressing for the occasion
You know how it is. You have new shoes. You reeeeeally want to wear your new shoes. But they are floral, and really tricky to match with anything. Except black. But you can’t wear an all black outfit today, it’s the hottest day of the year. You will get all sweaty, and you’ll look like you’re going to a funeral. After a drink: Going to a funeral in my amazing new floral shoes!! Fuck it, I’m wearing them.
Problem 2: Choosing what to drink
A toughie on a hot day, especially when you’re planning on being out for a while and have work tomorrow. Wine is good, but gets you drunk and will give you a bad head. Also you’re super thirsty. So beer? But you can only have a couple of those before looking 6 months pregnant. Cocktails look nice, but pricey, and there’s still a week to go till payday…. After a drink: GIVE ME AAAAAAALLLLLLL THE DRINKS! ALL OF THEM!
Problem 3: Selecting a meal
Obviously it’s important to eat on an all day
bender civilised social occasion. You should go for something suitably filling, that will soak up the booze and keep you going. After a drink: Eating is cheating. This cocktail has fruit in it. Actual fruit. Sorted.
Problem 4: The company
Clearly, the main company for the day is AWESOME, that’s why you’re with her. But drinking in Moseley, you are bound to bump into some of the local eccentrics, and they can be hard to get rid of. Best to smile and nod politely, then pretend to be engrossed in a very serious and personal conversation. If all else fails, leave. After a drink: FRIEND! I haven’t seen you for sooooo long, come join and tell us all about your strange, slightly concerning life…..!
Problem 5: Hometime
Staying up late on a school night is a no no in the The Grown Up’s Handbook. Staying up late and drinking is basically unspoken of. Go home, drink lots of water, pack a bag, iron your blouse for tomorrow, make a packed lunch, go to bed early and get a good nights sleep. Come on, you know it makes sense. After a drink (or 10 by now): WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE BAR IS CLOSING???
Obviously, I’m joking. Drinking a boat load of cocktails and going to bed late after eating leftover pizza as your only meal on a Sunday is stupid. And don’t you worry, I got my comeuppance the next day in the form of a hangover that made me want to climb under my desk and die. But you know what? Stupid decision making aside, I had a freaking awesome day with someone dear to me and laughed so much my face hurt. That rotten few weeks I’ve been having couldn’t have been further from my mind for a good few hours, so while it might not have been the smartest move, I have no regrets. Apart from the left over pizza, that really wasn’t a good idea…..
P.S – The author in no way advocates not eating, binge drinking, or anti-social drunken behaviour. Drink responsibly kids!