Strange Things I Think About While Walking the Dog…

It’s good for the soul, dog walking. Apart from getting you off your expanding backside and out in the fresh air, it gives you lots of time to think. This can be super helpful, when you have a particular tricky situation going down at work, say, or you need to let off steam after a row with the other half. Or REALLY important things like deciding which Lindy Bop skirt you’re going to buy next, or what to eat for dinner. More often than not, though, what I ponder over while out on my own with Bonnie is absolute nonsense. It tends to go a little something like this:

Who put these here?

stepping stonesI like to think there is a tribe of tiny people, a bit like Oompa Lumpas, that have a particular compassion for shoes, and wanted to avoid local dog walkers from spoiling them by by traipsing through the mud. That, or fairies. Butch ones, obviously, because fairies are pretty small, and those logs look kinda heavy. I mean, there really is no other explanation, is there? (Oh apparently there is. Apparently it’s the work of a community project. I prefer to maintain my theory of fairies)

Who do these belong to?

mittensI’ve walked past these a few times now, and they’re beginning to weigh heavily on my mind. I really hate losing things, so seeing lost things makes me instantly want to reunite them with their owner. It doesn’t help that these look like they belong to a teeny person, so now I’m imagining a poor, bereft child losing their fingers to frostbite (because, it’s parents couldn’t possibly have just bought them new ones, could they?) Hang on, what if they belong to one of the Oompa Lumpa-types who has been laying stepping stones for me?! How will they continue their life’s work with frostbitten fingers? This is bad….

And this….?

hatOk, now things are getting really serious guys – now there is also a hat, so either the lost knitwear thing is reaching epidemic status, or there is a small person wandering around without gloves AND a hat! A colour blind small person too, because, hello, purple with red and white? A brave choice indeed. Also, the logo leads me to believe this has been missing since Christmas which REALLY bothers me. Either that, or this person makes some REALLY odd style choices. Either way, I really need to think about something else before I start getting upset, it’s getting a bit too much….

If I was murdered by a serial killer, is this where they’d dump my body?

bodyOh, that was a nice change of subject wasn’t it? Why do episodes of Criminal Minds have a tendency to pop into your head when you least want them to? Come on, think about something else….

How likely is it that there IS a body here somewhere?

body2Hang on, I’ve watched enough crime shows to know that it is always a dog walker that stumbles across corpses dumped in the woods. Why have I only remembered this now? Why did we even get a dog in the first place? It clearly isn’t safe. I mean, even though I live in a pretty busy suburb of Birmingham, and I’ve never seen this park empty, surely it’s totally possible that I could be the only person that walks down this particular path, and therefore am most likely to stumble across a murder victim despite there being no reports of missing people lately?

Isn’t it getting a bit dark to be out on your own?

darkUm, yes, it is. Get home now, and never ever walk the dog on your own again.

So there you have it. Completely certifiable, I think you’ll agree. Don’t worry, Bonnie still gets walked, I’ve almost always gotten over it by the next day. Apart from the missing gloves and hat. I’m still losing sleep about those!



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