Dark Morning Induced Nostalgia

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I’m feeling a bit sad and nostalgic as I write this (yesterday, to you. I might not be feeling sad and nostalgic by the time it’s posted, someone could have opened one of those tins of Celebrations I’ve been eyeing up at work, or send me a Jib Jab of themselves dressed as a dancing reindeer, who knows?? That’s the thin line between weepy blues and giddy glee for me lately!) I took these photos last week as I took to my usual stroll through the park on my way to catch the bus for work. At the time I was thinking how pretty and peaceful it was and suddenly felt the urge to capture it, because it was dawning on me that it would be a few months before I’d be walking through the park to and from work now the short Winter days had kicked in. Actually, my last morning commute through the park should probably have been the week before looking at the pics now, but my sleep addled brain didn’t really wake up until I was already halfway through, and my eyes adjusted to the gloom and I realised it was possibly a little too shadowy to be passing through alone!

Anyhow, as it turns out, it was probably the last time I’ll take that particular walk ever, because after a few days off I realised the dark mornings were truly upon us, and the landlord has managed to let our house so we officially move out in January. I’m sure I’ll find myself back in that park at some point, but it won’t be the same, and suddenly it all seems a little bit too real.

I’ve mentioned before how much I’ve come to love my little pre and post commute journeys, whether it’s to marvel at the sun rising through the mist first thing in the morning or noticing the birds singing for the first time in the evening when Spring creeps in. During the last year these trips have sometimes felt like the only time I got real peace and calm in my life and they became part of who I am and how I function. That sounds rather melodramatic I’m sure, I can take a walk anytime, but I’m really going to miss that park and my ‘me’ time and watching the Seasons come and go.

So this morning I embarked on the crappy Winter version of my morning routine, through the residential streets of our neighbourhood. I stopped to pet Marley, next door’s cat who pops in to visit sometimes, who I guess won’t be visiting me any more. I passed the entrance to the park where years ago Ollie and I walked his Mum’s dog and commented on what a nice place it would be to live. I crossed the junction where Bonnie got off the lead as a pup and I thought we’d lost her forever. I walked down the road where Ollie once had to abandon the car in the snow coming to pick me up from work. I passed lots of windows with Christmas trees twinkling in them, behind them families eating breakfast and rushing to get ready for school and work, and wondered how happy they were. Probably no happier than me, in fairness. My life really isn’t so bad, I’m sure everyone has equally crappy if not crappier things to contend with. Yet right now I’m finding it hard to imagine not living here anymore, the first place apart from my Parent’s house that really felt like home, where I started to plan a future, where my friends were just around the corner with a cup of tea or a glass of wine waiting if I needed it.

But life really isn’t all that bad. My family are all here with me and in good health. I have wonderful friends, who will be there for me no matter where I live. I have a job that some days makes me cry and want to bang my head against a wall, but it pays my bills and reminds me everyday I can do more than I think I can. And there will be another park and another morning routine. There will be another house that feels like home. One day there might still be a wedding and a family and a future and maybe all sorts of things I thought I would never have. “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” said Marilyn Monroe once (like how I still manage to get some 50’s pin up goodness in there!?) and I guess I have to just have faith that that will be true for me.

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Here’s to 2016 and all it may bring! Seriously, life, you owe me some good times after 2015! Or at the very least extra helpings of puppy related Youtube clips and impromptu Prosecco!

Love,

Sig

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