Contextualised advertising – that creepy way companies ooze pretty things that you want but don’t need into your subconscious. You have an innocent little peruse of Lindy Bop dresses on a lazy Sunday morning one time, then BAM! There they are, winking at you and beckoning seductively while you try to check your emails, pretending they aren’t there. Like you could pretend a Lindy Bop dress wasn’t there though, really?! It’s just not fair – a very underhand tactic if I ever saw one. Sometimes it’s a blessing – like when those boots you’ve been eyeing up suddenly go on sale (that’s how you end up with two pairs, people!). Sometimes it’s a bit weird – like when Amazon starts showing you irons ’cause you just bought a new iron, and he’s all, ‘Just thought you might be interested….’ all casual like, as if he thinks you’re some weird person with a fetish for irons, and you both know it’s a bit gross, but he wants to be supportive and not let on that it freaks him out a bit. Amazon is a he by the way. Don’t ask me why, he just is. Sometimes it’s a downright curse though. Sometimes I swear it’s just there to torment you. To show you all that could be yours in another world, another lifetime, then snatching it away at the last minute and leaving you all forlorn like an abandoned puppy.
Case in point: ASOS. ASOS is messing with me this week. I swear, she is doing it on purpose, and it’s just plain mean (yep, a girl this time. Just humour me). First up, she showed me this:
ASOS knows full well I’m not allowed anymore dresses like this, especially when I got three Audreys for Christmas. There simply isn’t enough room on the tiny rail. So why is she showing me the Kryptonite of 50’s shaped dresses? Then this one:
It’s PURPLE for crying out loud. And it’s even cheaper. £34. THIRTY FOUR ENGLISH POUNDS! Cruel, just cruel. Then this:
Are you freaking kidding me right now, ASOS?
Oh, hey Steph, look! This one has sold out in every single size apart from yours! YOU BETTER BUY IT QUICK, IT’S DESTINYYYYYY! Shut it, ASOS, I’m not listening to you:
Me: Wait a minute ASOS – show me that one again? I’ve actually promised myself a red one already, so that would be ok! And it’s only £18, it’s basically free:
ASOS: Nah, sorry (not sorry):
ASOS: Ok Steph, enough teasing now. I’ve got a treat for you. Remember how you really wanted that polka dot dress that is exactly like the navy polka dot one you already have from Zara, but nude? Well here it is…..!
JUST KIDDING! IT’S THE NAVY ONE REALLY, THAT ONE SOLD OUT YONKS AGO YOU DUMB BITCH! LOLZ!!
Me: F*** you ASOS.
Please tell ASOS for me that we are not talking. And if you buy ANY of those dresses I won’t be talking to you either, ok? I mean it, and I WILL know.
Pssst. I’m sorry ASOS, I didn’t mean it. I was just angry. All is forgiven, now show me that purple one again….?