I’ve mentioned a few times before that I’m a highly emotional person. I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve, and have never been afraid to express my emotions. My true opinions about someone or something? Well, that’s another story – I’m not afraid to be honest when asked, but this post explains why I don’t always think my personal thoughts on a matter are helpful or necessary! When it comes to my emotions though, I’m an open book. It isn’t even on purpose – often I try to keep my feelings in check, but my face will always betray me. I just can’t help but express things, whether that’s with a withering yet unintentional eye roll or a badly concealed little smirk. It has gotten me in trouble plenty of times of course, and it means I’m a rotten liar, but for the most part I’m happy to be someone who is in touch with their emotions. It means I deal with my feelings as and when they come up, and it makes me a pretty open person.
There are the odd occasions though where it’s more of a curse! See, everything feels a bit heightened to me. When things are going well, I feel like I could literally burst. That saying about being on cloud 9? I know exactly what that feels like! Just ask anyone who has had to put up with me in the days before a holiday! Literally, bouncing off the walls. And squealing, like a small child on a sugar rush! Trust me, it’s just as annoying as it sounds….. I love deeply too. I pity my dog sometimes – remember how Lennie keeps accidentally squeezing the creatures he loves to death in Of Mice and Men? I’m pretty sure Bonnie lives in constant fear she might meet the same fate! Oh, and I am always that person that blubs uncontrollably at Weddings. Even the Weddings of people I don’t know. Even the Weddings on TV, and I don’t even mean the ones of well loved characters from my favourite shows. Yes, I am totally invested in the future happiness of random people in adverts. I just can’t help it! The worst occasions, of course, are the lows. When you’re soaring high a lot of the time, the crash back down to earth can be painful, and I take it really hard when I feel people let me down. All of this aside, though, I’m actually a pretty balanced person (I am, honest!) I like the quiet life basically – you don’t bother me and I won’t bother you. I like making people happy, I’m not interested in arguments and despite my tendency to well up at the drop of a hat, I’m actually very resilient. But it is very hard to convince people of that when they perceive me as constantly swinging between a spectrum of extreme emotions!
I can’t help but wonder why it is that any sort of open display of emotions these days seems to have a negative connotation, as though the way you feel is something you should endeavour to control and subdue at all times? It seems that we’ve been brought up to believe that emotions are unnecessary, somehow, or self indulgent. That feeling something other than a constant state of bland acceptance is a waste of time and energy, and so by doing so, you are choosing to be ‘over the top’? Publically declaring love for someone or expressing glee is likely to have you accused of fakery or showing off, because no-one is ever really that happy, apparently. Crying is a sign of weakness, or that you are too fragile to cope, and crying at work is career suicide in some people’s opinion. Challenging something or expressing frustration means you’re a drama queen or a trouble causer. But I hate this assumption that emotions are something you choose to feel. Sure, you can choose how you respond to those emotions, and how you then move forwards, but feeling them in the first place? That’s not in your control, and I’m pretty sure telling yourself it is is only likely to cause you emotional damage further down the line somewhere! I don’t think I should need to be sent to a dark room for a lie down if I get angry at being treated badly by someone or feel disappointed with life at times – it isn’t 1962 for heavens sake! I don’t need to be put on valium and packed off to a retreat for daring to show my feminine fragility! It’s odd, that with all the pressure on us to be something we’re not these days, the thing we’re supposed to try and aim for is to be just ‘ok’, all of the time! Not AMAZING, and not TERRIBLE. Just ok.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to just be ‘ok’. No-one wants to feel the lows all too often, but at the end of the day, experiencing the bad things is what makes us able to appreciate the good. You have to put up with the rain if you want to see some rainbows, as they say! So what if I feel that tell tale lump in my throat when someone is rude to me, or someone I care about is hurt? It doesn’t mean I’m a delicate little flower, it just means I’m human. Sometimes I’m a great human, sometimes I’m a bit of a crappy one, but so is everyone, and I don’t know why we would want to pretend we’re not. And if you happen to be one of my friends, rest assured that you can laugh and cry and rant as much as you want, and I won’t judge you for it.
I might disown you for crying at adverts though. Only crazy people do that….