WARNING! This one is a little bit mushy!!
Is there any better feeling in life than knowing you’re loved? Knowing that whatever happens, there is someone there who will have your back? That someone other than you is always thinking of your wellbeing? That however horrible your day is there will be someone to give you a cuddle and tell you things will be ok? For me, there is little else that gets me through a tough time quite as well as knowing someone loves me.
It feels a little uncomfortable writing this, because it’s been an eventful couple of years on the love front. In the past it has seemed that any time I dared to be open about how happy I was, things would come crashing down. Honestly, I still feel that way now – like I shouldn’t get my hopes up or make too many permanent plans in case it all goes horribly wrong again. But that really wouldn’t be any way of living, would it? Constantly being cautious and not daring to hope? So I’m trying not to dwell too much on what has happened, and focus on the now.
Because the now is very, very good. There is always a calmness in me once I’m settled into a relationship, like I can take a tiny step back from being together all the time, because there is another person watching the spinning plates for me. We were discussing the other day how odd it feels at this age to call someone your ‘Boyfriend’, particularly when you’ve previously been a ‘Fiance’. It feels almost juvenile, somehow, which is stupid, because it’s just a description of your relationship with someone. I said at the time that the word ‘Partner’ didn’t quite feel right either, but the more I think about it, the more that word resonates. It does feel like having a partner. Someone that is in this with you. Someone that is sharing the load and working towards the same goals as you. It feels like not being alone, and it’s the loveliest feeling in the world.
I’ve always been a serial monogamist, I’ve never really enjoyed being single or dating. I can see why that life appeals to some, but it’s never been a comfortable place for me. Some people are quite critical of that, which really irks me – I wrote a post about that here – but I don’t think there is anything wrong with preferring life as part of a twosome. I am more than capable of taking care of myself. I don’t ‘define myself by who I’m with’ or whatever patronising crap the naysayers say about people like me. Life just feels nicer to me when there is someone to share it with, and I think that’s ok.
Right now I do have someone to share it with. I have someone who makes me feel special, that holds my hand through the things that scare me and makes me feel like I can overcome things. I feel truly loved, and it feels AWESOME.