It feels more than a little surreal, writing this post. That it’s 2019 already. That I’m sat here reflecting on the past 12 months when it feels as though I’ve barely blinked since 2018 began. Yes, I say something along those lines every year, I’m sure. But this year it is more than just the rapid passing of time that has me feeling a little bewildered.
This year, as I awoke on 1st January, I felt something very different from previous years. In fact, I felt something very different to what I remember feeling for a very, very long time. Partly, perhaps, it was down to not having a hangover – that seems to have been a New Year’s Day rarity in years gone by, I confess. But there was more to it than that. I woke up on that first day of the year feeling incredibly content. I felt clarity, certainty, stability – all things my life had been lacking for what feels like forever, and then suddenly, just like that, there they were. That isn’t to say I haven’t been happy. 2017 and 2018 were both amazing years for me, years which finally saw the scars of previous traumas start to fade and which were full of beautiful memories, but even as recently as a few months ago, despite feeling blissfully happy, I still felt in limbo, and I wasn’t expecting any of that to change just yet.
I guess that comes part and parcel with some of the more difficult things I’ve gone through in the last few years. Thinking once before that I had everything planned out and in the bag, it was difficult to accept when that all got pulled from underneath me. It was only natural I guess that even when things are flying high a part of me wonders when the crash back down to earth will happen. And while everything certainly seemed to be panning out just as I’d wanted as we progressed through the first half of 2018, I still felt as though perhaps I was still waiting for that to happen. You see, there were loose ends that were niggling at me. There was still a fair amount of fog up ahead that made it difficult for me to picture what the future looked like. It was as though I had almost all of the pieces of a puzzle, but there were just a few pesky pieces eluding me. It’s something I really struggle to describe, and probably something that is most commonly felt by women ‘my age’ thanks to society’s irritating way of making us feel constantly aware of our biological clocks, but either way, as much as I just wanted to enjoy feeling happy I still felt anxious, uncertain, scared even. And then that almost immediately disappeared with the presentation of a ring in November and a joyous couple of months following it!
Not everyone has been so lucky, I know. Many of my closet friends and family have been through some painful times this year. There have been illnesses, fertility problems, relationship struggles and homes under threat. Seeing those I care about suffer such things hasn’t been easy, but they have made me value and appreciate how incredibly fortunate I am to have the things I have, and maybe that is partly what is to thank for my new found optimism this year. One thing is for sure though – after waiting for what felt forever for my time to come I finally seem to be getting all I wished for, and it feels bloody brilliant!
Of course, now I’ve said all of this out loud I am back to feeling anxious that something might take it all away again so I’ll sign off there while we’re still on a high! Here’s wishing you all you want from 2019 and more – I’m living proof it will come if you wait long enough!