And just like that I turned 33…..
It feels like yesterday I was writing this post, my first ever post on Picking the Day, about turning 32. It’s odd reading it now. It was such a positive little post! Little did I know I was about to go through the toughest year of my career to date, book a wedding, cancel a wedding, end my relationship and move back in with my parents!
I talked about the nagging fear that maybe I’d never get married or have children. That’s still there. In spades, in fact. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a state I can only describe as sheer panic – dead legs, a rapidly beating heart and overwhelming breathlessness. Basically a sense of dread, over what I’m never exactly sure, but it’s a very unsettling experience. It’s only natural, I suppose, having just had the rug pulled out from underneath me. I’d have to be a special kind of tough not to be affected by the last 12 months. So yes, I’m feeling a little despondent right now. I’m also feeling sad. There was a time when everything I had back then was all I wanted in the world, and I can’t help but mourn the loss of what I thought was my future. Except it wasn’t. Looking back now I can feel the uncertainty seeping through the words. I think even then I knew all wasn’t right and I was trying to convince myself all would be fine.
But there are positive changes too. There are things I wanted back then that I’d given up on, and I’m slowly coming around to the idea they might actually happen for me now. I might get the house I want and not be restricted to living in a very specific area. I might get to go on holidays. Maybe I won’t have to go to weddings and parties alone anymore and put up with the constant jokes about whether or not my elusive other half is even real. Hopefully I’ll find myself sharing a future with someone who will take me to the Theatre, drink Champagne with me and get excited about Christmas.
So the year ahead looks very different to the one I was talking about back then. But that’s ok. Everything I said back then about having a pretty nice life – even with the big black hole where my expected future was, I’ve got it pretty sweet. And if so much can have changed in the last 12 months, anything could happen in the months to come! I think I’m gonna be ok!