Gosh, is it really that time already?
Christmas feels like it was just yesterday, and yet suddenly here I am, 6 weeks on already, and marking the passing of another thirty-something birthday. We all know how I like to reflect on the passing of time. Heck, I bore you to death with it all most years around NYE! But there is something even more poignant about it on a birthday, I can never help but look back on the year that has passed and judge myself and my achievements (mostly harshly). I’ve made it even easier for myself too, by writing these handy posts to read back to myself! It’s daft really, almost as though the changing of my age somehow makes things become more pressing than they were last week when I was still 33. I really should stop doing that to myself.
This year my birthday was an odd one. I felt that sense of time whizzing past me at an alarming rate, probably more so than ever before, but I feel strangely more at ease with it this year. In both 2015 and 2016 I talked about the creeping fear that I might not ever get married or have children and that’s still there. In fact I’m probably more uncertain about that than ever. And this isn’t to say that I don’t feel a twinge of sadness or panic when that thought crosses my mind, but I’ve kind of made my peace with the fact that that might just be the way my life turns out, and if it is, I’ll be ok. I still get frustrated with where I am right now – I want to have my own space back, I want to share my life with someone and I want to find something other than work that makes me feel like I have a purpose – but I’ve stopped feeling like everything is spinning out of control, and I feel more relaxed now about just enjoying the journey rather than obsessing about when I’ll get there.
There are lots of things I’d hoped would have happened by now when I wrote the last post. I thought my living arrangements would be very short term, but I’m still here living at home. Sure, I have my moments when I feel like I’ll go crazy if I stay much longer, but in reality life is pretty good here, and as much as I miss having all my own things in their own places and time to potter on my own, seeing the money building up in my savings reminds me that it will all be worthwhile when I have a home to call my own. I was also in the early stages of a relationship that made me very happy, and imagined by now that it might have become something more serious. Well, it hit a bump in the road. Ok, actually it crashed and burned in a spectacular fashion! It wasn’t a happy time. But it did get better eventually, and things feel like they’re heading in the right direction now, even if we might get there slower and later than I thought we would. In the meantime, the main thing is that I did find someone who will take me to the Theatre, drink Champagne with me and get excited about Christmas and Birthdays, and considering that two years ago I’d given up on finding all of that altogether, that’s something to be very happy about.
Well, this has all ended up sounding a little more melancholy than I meant it to, so I think I’ll leave it there! Here’s to another year of surprises!