You would think, given that we’re smack bang in the middle of the most incredible heatwave, I wouldn’t be worrying much about holidays. I have, of course, just recently taken one, and with the sun blazing outside and all and sundry inviting me round to drink gin and cook BBQs, jetting off abroad should be the last thing on my mind. It isn’t though. Because despite the lovely weather and the oodles of fun weekend plans, I still have to do all that boring, annoying adult stuff like go to work and learn to drive and try to cook when half my kitchen is standing in the living room. And I DON’T LIKE THAT STUFF! I want to lie by a pool and read a book and drink rum. WAH!
First world problems, huh? As a person far wiser than me recently pointed out, a holiday isn’t really a holiday if you do it all the time, so I guess I need to get over it, suck it up and crack on with that adulting thing until next year. And what better way to make myself feel better than to sarcastically take the mick out of others…?? Just kidding, I’m not a monster, but I have been trying to make myself forget about how great holidays are by reminding myself how annoying other holiday makers are. Such as……
The TripAdvisor Dicks
My contempt for these guys is well documented, but in case you’re new here I’ll fill you in. When booking a holiday I like to read up on reviews from previous visitors because they can be really handy for telling you things you might not otherwise have known – that the hotel is right by a busy road, for example, or underneath a flight path! You have to take everything with a pinch of salt though, because of TripAdvisor Dicks. TripAdvisor Dicks just aren’t wired to enjoy themselves, I think. But they don’t seem capable of realising this, because they don’t seem able to realise that the fact that they have a miserable existence in which nothing is good enough, EVER, is actually their problem, and not something any establishment anywhere could possibly influence. I’m not suggesting you shouldn’t complain if something went wrong – feedback is a gift and an important way of improving services, but seriously, there are ways to do that. The way these guys go on you’d think the hotel manager pissed in their cornflakes every morning or something – they never have an average or slightly disappointing experience – it is always the worst thing that has ever happened to them or anyone else in the universe and the place should be closed down immediately lest someone DIES, and all because someone forgot that they only drink Earl Grey tea…..
The First Time Flyers
I don’t mean this to sound mean, because this isn’t really aimed at those who’ve never flown before. It’s actually aimed at those who can’t follow basic instructions and then get in a flap and a really inconvenient moment and hold everyone up, complaining all the while about how ridiculous and unexpected it is. Because you don’t get pre-warned that there is a weight restriction on your baggage, do you?? Or that you need to print your boarding pass?? Or that liquids have to go in a clear plastic bag?? They only tell you about a hundred times before you get there, but still, there is always some idiot having a row about it as though they had no idea.
The Impatient Travellers
Why do 98% of people on planes (or any other form of public transport for that matter) think that they are the only people on board who are keen to get to their final destination? And why do they think that the 0.003 seconds they might shave off here and there will make the blindest bit of difference? There isn’t really any reason for me finding this annoying, it’s completely irrational and doesn’t affect me in the slightest, but for some reason I just find it completely infuriating. They are the people that rush to the front of the queue when the boarding gate opens, despite the fact they have a specific seat already. They are the people that, when the pilot politely asks everyone to remain seated until the plane has stopped moving and the seat belt signs turn off, immediately take off their seat belts, stand up and start rummaging through the overhead lockers, even though we all know we’re going to be stood still on the tarmac for at least 10 minutes. I just can’t help but chuckle as the dash off to collect their luggage, knowing full well they will still be standing there waiting when I arrive after a relaxed and casual meander. Why does it annoy me so much? I don’t know, but it really, really does.
The Fussy Eaters
Now, I do not dislike fussy eaters, per se. What you choose to eat is your own goddamn business and I’m not about to try forcing anyone to be more ‘adventurous’ if they don’t want to. All the more food for me, I say. But if you know full well you only eat about three different variations of pasta or won’t touch anything that grew in the ground, you might want to consider that when you book a holiday. Don’t turn up at the food hall every day expecting to suddenly be delighted at what is on offer and then spend the whole meal with a face like a slapped arse because – surprise – they haven’t psychically catered for your incredibly picky needs. Please don’t hover over my shoulder at the buffet while I decide what I fancy, huffing and sighing, pulling disgusted faces and prodding vegetables like they are little dead things – it puts me off my dinner! If you are a fussy eater, accept it, and stop expecting everyone else to understand your aversion to anything round – you are the odd one out, not us! Also, don’t go around telling everyone the perfectly adequate food is terrible when you basically just don’t like food. I suspect most TripAdvisor Dicks are these people, because the food anywhere they ever stay is always ATROCIOUS.
The Loud Mouths
Why is there always that one family that think they own the place? They get settled in on the first day, taking over a specific spot by the pool that they will then consider ‘theirs’ for the duration of their stay and once they’ve settled in you won’t be able to forget they’re there. They are not here for peace and quiet and relaxation like the rest of us, they are here to get drunk and lairy at 11am while their kids run riot, completely unsupervised. Anyone that dares challenge them on this ‘should mind their own business’ and ‘obviously doesn’t know how to have a good time!’ They think they are best mates with all the staff, but we can see them cringing everytime they slap them on the back and call them mate. I’m pretty sure they are counting down the days until they leave just like the rest of us!
Aaaah. Feel a bit better now.
I still want a holiday though…..